Unpack My Bags

Unpack My Bags

"I refuse to unpack my bags
I will not admit defeat
I feel like I'm living on the streets

Everyday I wake up lost and alone
Every night I fall asleep 

With pills and my heartache to keep me warm

You always told me you wouldn't chase after me

So why am I waiting for you to come around the corner

Why am I not worth the effort?

I thought I was different

I thought I was special and worth the quest

Guess you were right, guess I am just like the rest

But worth much less"

The End is Near!!!!

Beannachtaí na Nollag daoibh go léir agus Athbhliain faoi shéan is faoi mhaise daoibh

(Blessings of Christmas and A New Year of Prosperity to You! [Irish Gaelic])

          Happy December everyone! A year ago I could not wait to see the year come to an end just as some of you probably feel about this year. After the struggles of last year this year really was a piece of cake… yummy yummy delicious ice cream cake! I would classify this year as a really good year for me. I won’t say that it was great though, because without my Dad here this year really hasn’t been great. It’s been lonely, sad, and a struggle at times. I have learned that in the hardest times you learn who really is a friend and who really cares. Once you learn who those people are you know that together you can get through anything.

             For my birthday last year I threw myself a huge party where a lot of my closest friends came and we all had a great time. Normally my birthdays haven’t been amazing, and things do not work out for one reason or another, but this birthday was more than I could have ever asked for. That day I also discovered the Redlands International Day Spa, which is heaven on earth! If you haven’t been there I highly recommend it and you can find more information about them via one of my older blogs and their website.

           This year I also kept battling my migraines and through trying different medications and vitamins and even trying going in for Magnesium IV treatments, I have been able get my headaches down by almost 50%. This is a huge improvement and I will keep on fighting them and hopefully find something that I can do to cut them down even more. I find myself very lucky that I only suffer from migraines and headaches and not anything worse.  

            Speaking of being lucky. This year I have been blessed in so many different ways. I’ve grown closer to dear friends and family, I’ve gone to several concerts (Matt Skiba from Alkaline Trio, The Lumineers, and Mumford and Sons to name a few), I finally got a career position at UCR (after 2 and ½ years as a temp), became a board member at The Redlands Footlighters, special thanks to my Dad (and Mom) for a trip to Ireland, and LOTS of different theatre opportunities! The trip to Ireland was amazing! My Mom used some of the life insurance money from my Dad passing and took my brother, and I on this adventure. I cannot wait until I get to go back there. It was the first place I ever felt 100% at peace, and was the first trip that, at the end of it, I didn’t want to come back home. I know one day I will travel back there and again feel the Irish calm come over me again. At the Footlighters this year I assistant directed two productions and was lucky to be picked to direct The Rainmaker. Before The Rainmaker I directed two winning one acts in CAST Player’s first ever National Playwriting completion. To get so much experience in one year, and to work with such talented and passionate people, is a dream come true, and keeps me motivated to keep growing as a director. I know all of these wonderful blessings will continue to be with me in this next coming year and forever!

            This time next year I hope to be finishing my first quarter/semester in graduate school. Currently I am applying to 7 different grad schools to get my Masters in Directing. We’ll see how it goes…  Last year for the first time I made a list of goals to accomplish this year and honestly that in itself was accomplishing one goal. I’ll be the first to say that I did not complete the list. Probably not even close, but I think now, that the goals aren’t so much a list to complete in a year but a list of goals to continue to do throughout my whole life. Before the New Year starts (if we all survive the zombie apocalypse that is) I’ll update the goals list and continue on this adventure we call life.

Now I’d like to give a special thanks to a few of you who have been so near and dear to me this year:

Ali- You are such a delight to be around and such a beautiful actress! Thank you for welcoming me into your life and The Footlighters. Also thank you for writing and sending in those letters of Rec for me! You inspire me to follow through on all I say I’ll do! It has been a joy getting to know you and work with you this year!

Caitlin- I know we just met, but I feel like we have been friends for a long time! Thank you for listening to me and letting me open up to you without any judgment! You were the perfect Lizzie and I really could not have imagined someone better to come and play her! Even if you move to NV I know we will still be friends (and I’ll totally have a place to crash when I come to Vegas duh! Sorry David ;-))

Cat, Kevin, Tom, and Vicki- You four make me so happy! I love all of you and all of your silliness and hard work! Thank you for always looking out for me and for letting me into your lives. You guys are so talented and such inspirations to me!

Dane- Aww the male introverted version of myself. Thank you for working on the one acts with me and for always being there for me, even if I’m being crazy and on the verge of being irrational. I’m so glad we have grown closer and you are one of the few people who understands my strange passions for Batman, serial killers (and shows about serial killers), puppets, Community, and my endless search for peace and zenness (zenness is a word right? No? Well, as your lawyer I say it is now!). In the words of our Mormon Dude “Woooooo”

Darcie- I love your passion for your students and everything you do! I wish all kids were lucky enough to have teachers like you to encourage and push them to do their best. You inspire me to do my best, and your can do attitude is refreshing. Speaking of refreshing, thank you for always keeping my glass full at parties and a smile on my face!

Frances- Online I see your students post such beautiful things about you and I know and can feel that every word they say about you is true. Thank you for being so kind and wonderful to not only myself but my family as well! Your food not only fills my belly with such tasty goodness it also fells my soul with so much love and positive energy! I wish there were more people like you in this world!

Jennifer- Long live the CLUT! I love that we are both applying to grad schools and I secretly hope that we somehow end up close to each other or even at the same school. How amazing would that be?! Thank you for always and forever being there for me though the craziness that is my life. I love that you and your family welcome me into your family and lives! I will forever be your favorite monster!

John and Tiffany- Over the past few years you two have been so kind and supportive of me! I wish you both the best of luck once you graduate and go out into the world. I will truly miss you and remember you! Thank you for coming out to my show and forever silly joke and visit!

Kevin- You never fail to make me smile and laugh! And now I know to be careful about sharing drinks with you at parties! I look forward to hearing about you’re spiritual journey when you get back.  

Mark- What can I say about you that you don’t already know? I love you and love your support and ENDLESS encouragement! Even when I make you so upset I know it normally is because you really want the best for me and that you care so much for me! And if it isn’t for the reasons stated above it’s because I’m a slob and I’m sorry for that :-p . Thank you for always helping me, and helping with my shows, also thank you for accepting me, even with all of my faults.

Matt- I know this year has not been the easiest this year but know that things do mellow out. I hope this next year brings you tons of adventures and that you continue to work and follow your dreams! We need to hangout more! Get a better hours at work so we can hang out :-p

Mom- Thank you for bringing me into this crazy world! I cannot thank you enough for Ireland and I know we will get back there one day. This year has been rough but you are so strong and I know Dad is still with you and watching out for you. Heres to next year and what amazing adventures it holds for us! (Again assuming we survive the zombie apocalypse)

Pedro- Thank you for all the laughs, jokes, and for all of your inspiration (Seriously! You inspired me to write this blog! Thanks!). You really are a funny, talented man and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for you! You have listened to me through laughter and tears and I cannot say thank you enough for all of your support! As our friendship continues to grow and as our jokes become stranger and more off the wall I grow happier and happier that you are in my life!

Russ- You one of the smartest people I know. I couldn’t ask for a better brother… Oh wait maybe I could… maybe a rich one who pays all my bills and cleans my car and my apt… and… J/K!!! But all joking aside I loved hanging out with you in Ireland and I would again in a heartbeat attack and go over anyone who was trying to hurt you no matter what country we are in or what chain that person has wrapped around their hand. You have such great stories, wise words, and a kind heart that I can only hope to reach that kind of level of awesomeness one day.

Sable- MY SISTER!!! I miss you and am so proud of you! I cannot wait to until I get to see you again! Thank you for ALWAYS being there for me even after all these years! You are getting the biggest hug from me the next time I see you!!!

Sean- Mr. Longstreet… What can I say to such a calm and caring person? You are always so helpful and have taught me to know my limits and know that sometimes the healthiest thing to do is say “no.” You always welcome me into your home and life and I can’t thank you enough for that. Your friendship means the world to me, and thanks for always letting me speak freely and openly, and you never judge me (at least not seriously).

Sydney- My dear friend! I love all of our time together and all of the silliness! I love that you went back to school and are pursuing photography! I cannot wait to see your photos up one day in fancy places! Who knew that years ago when we met at a party that we would grow into being such great friends!   

The Rainmaker Cast- I love you and miss you all! All of you worked so hard and brought the story to life! I can’t wait to see the next stories you all help bring to life. I had so much fun working on this show and working with all of you I will always remember you guys and this show. BEER!!!

Vanessa- “Rue, who when you ask her what she loves most in the world, replies, of all things, “Music.” ― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games. When I hear this quote I think of you and your passion for Mumford and Sons! Vanessa thank you for being so understanding and kind when it comes to me! And for sharing your passion of music and life with me! I’m so lucky to have you in my life and to have you as one of my best friends! Thank you for always encouraging me to do my best and to stay positive! I always have so much fun when we hang out! Thank you!

Veronica- I love your laugh and your attitude in life! You are so sweet and kind and funny that I’m glad to have you in my life! Also I’m glad I get to see you more than just one a year now! I need more Veronica in my life!

Yvonne- Dr. Flack! I can’t wait until it’s official so I can start calling you Doc! Thank you for opening your life, home, heart, and mind to me! I think you are one of the top people who loves my silliness and that only encourages me to be sillier (So really if I ever get to silly it’s totally your fault)! Thank you for sharing your doggies with me and letting me claim one as my husband! 

Heaven On Earth

Dear Readers,

I know my last two blogs have been dark and depressing. So I decided to change things up a bit with this blog. Please join me on a magical adventure to a place that is so peaceful and relaxing from the second you enter to the second you leave. Within the first five minutes of being inside you realize that heaven on Earth really does exist. I speak of The International Day Spa in Redlands.

I was given a gift card when I worked on the show “You Can’t Take It With You.” The cast knew I was stressed, and with my Dad passing during the middle of the run of the show I was in dire need of a massage and a relaxing day. I’d looked at the gift card and dream over the brochure picking out what I wanted to get done. I held on to that gift card for months… I had a couple concerns that keep the gift card on my fridge staring at me every day. Firstly I have never been a big fan of people touching me (especially people I don’t know), and secondly I had been told that getting massages can cause headaches/migraines and with all my headache and migraine issues I didn’t really want to do something that would end up causing me pain. I put off calling the Spa to see if A) the massage would cause me to a headache and B) if it did I was wondering if I could do something else instead with the gift card. Maybe I put off calling them because I was lazy, or worried they would tell me I was screwed and everything would cause me a headache so the gift card was a waste, or I dunno… maybe I was just scared…

So months went by… A few days before my Birthday I decided that I wanted to do something nice for myself. I was planning a party at my Mom’s house in the evening and figured I’d try the Spa… or at least call them. From the second I called the Spa I knew I was hooked. The woman who answered the phone was so helpful, nice, and actually took the time out to talk to me explaining everything and answered all my questions. Her kindness and reassurance of everything lead me to making an appointment for the morning of my Birthday.

When the big day finally arrived I woke up early and ate my breakfast and took some Tylenol (just in case of a headache) and drank lots of water. Apparently that is the key to avoiding a headache after a massage. The massage releases lots of toxins into your body and dehydrates you, so after a massage if you drink a lot of water that will help prevent a headache. This trick worked for the most part. I still had a small headache all day but that could have been caused by a million other things.

I arrived at the spa and was greeted with the gentle sweet smell of lavender and nice smiles from everyone. They had me sit in a comfortable chair and gave me hot tea to drink while I filled out their paperwork. Also while I sat there they gave me warm neck pillow. I was so comfortable I would have been happy to sit there all day with a book reading and just relaxing. Shortly after I finished their paperwork they gave me a soft clean robe to put on and took me into a room with a huge tub in it. I read in their brochure that sitting in their Hydrotherapy Tub before your massage will help relax your mussels, so I added that on to enhance my day. While sitting in the warm tub with the oils and purifying salts from the Dead Sea and staring out a window as the rain fell down, I realize that in that moment there was no other place I wanted to be than right there. My thoughts were quiet and I was relaxed. They gave me two tea bags to put on my eyes while I sat there. For most of the time the tea bags just sat on the edge of the tub until my mind started to make jokes about women who sat around at home with tea bags and cucumbers on their eyes. I always thought it was silly and never understood why women did it. Before walking into the spa I told myself I would be open minded and try whatever I could. So to keep true to my promise I became one of those silly women. And boy was I converted. The bags on my closed eyes made me look silly like all those women I had just mocked but they were so relaxing to my tired stressed eyes that I no longer will mock those women. After 20-30 mins in the tub it was time for the massage. While I waited for the lady to come and take me to her massage room they gave me delicious warm apple cider that probably tasted extra wonderful because I was so relaxed.

The lady who gave me the massage had to be close to my age and was so kind and understanding. I explained to her about my Dad and my headaches and she gave me tips and reminded me about the water trick. Also I was in luck the Spa was running a special that with any massage the normal extra $14 add on of either a Heat Cream Hot Towel Compress or an Aloe Foot Treatment was free. I choose the Heat Cream Hot Towel Compress and after my massage that was just the icing on the cake. The massage was hands down amazing. I felt comfortable and relaxed and in heaven. The lady and I talked which made me feel even more comfortable. I didn’t want to lay there quiet for an hour while a stranger massaged me. Towards the end of the massage I was so comfortable I didn’t mind when the conversation became quiet and I was able to enjoy the relaxing pleasant music.

Once the massage was over I was able to enjoy their steam room or a foot bath. I have had foot baths before and they are nice but I was on a roll and decided to yet again try something new. So into the steam room I went. It was hot… really hot…. I sat there and drank my water and once I was all sweaty or perhaps it was just from the steam or more than likely a combination of the both I had to get out. They let me shower and take it easy before I was to leave. Since it was my Birthday I knew I couldn’t leave empty handed. Before I went to pay for my lovely morning I shopped around in their store and grabbed a few things. As I was walking up to the counter to pay the lady showed me to a basket of things they had pulled aside for me that they thought I may like. And sure enough I found exactly what I had been looking for, a few things for when I get a headache and bath salts. The whole experience was amazing and the first time in a long time I was able to leave all my sadness and sorrow outside. It was a great start to my Birthday. The rest of the day was also amazing. A lot of people came to the party; I had great food, desserts and company! J

A few days after my visit to the Spa I got a post card from the lovely lady who gave me a massage thanking me for coming in and hoping that I had a wonderful Birthday. I’m sure they send these out to everyone but it was really nice to get it and I love getting nice things in the mail!

On a final note I WILL be returning to the Spa very soon… not only did I win some free tea from them off of facebook but I also want another massage and visit to their tub!!!  

"Give me the peace

That's missing inside my soul

'Cause I've been waiting for years holding on

Just to find that I've got to let go"

A fragile world with numbered days

Dear 2011,

         You have been by far the worst year. And I feel comfortable saying that I am not the only one who believes this. It seems this year a lot of people have had to deal with loss and sadness. Although not everything in 2011 has been awful... There have been some great things that have helped me get through this tortuous year. 

        First off this year started off with the tragic loss of my cat and friend Spooky. Those of you who knew him knew he was a great cat who was more like a tank at times. I'll forever remember him destroying my bedroom door to come and steal some of my body heat and share my blanket. I miss him. I miss meowing at him and him tearing off the wall paper with his teeth. I miss him knowing when I was sad and comforting me and climbing on Dad like he was child who wanted to be held like a baby. 

         This year has also been a struggle with my migraines. My doctor sent me to a special headache class to learn more about headaches and migraines and after the class to a headache specialist. Seeing how I have been dealing with headaches and migraines my whole life I didn't think I would learn anything new. To my surprise I learned just how bad rebound headaches are. Rebound headaches are usually when your body is addicted to an over the counter pain medication (Advil, Excedrin migraine, etc) so your body makes you have a headache so you take more medication to get rid of the headache and you end up in a sick sick nasty cycle. Eventually all the over the counter medication screws up your insides pretty bad and after a certain point one more pill will can can make you very sick and could possibly kill you. After learning how awful rebound headaches are I realized that I may have that problem. I told my doctor how often I was taking over the counter medication which was about 5-7 times a week and that I was going to stop cold turkey. I should have taken it as a sign when the doctor looked at and said "Oh, wow, you are very brave". That weekend (Easter weekend) I cut myself off and boy was that the WORST pain I have ever felt. I went in and out Urgent Care and the Emergency Room 4-5 times. They would give me a shot of strong pain reliever and send me home. I'd fall asleep for a few hours then wake up in just as much if not worse pain and go right back to the hospital. One evening I woke up screaming I was in so much pain, I was yelling at my parents to call 911! I was cursing and swearing more then I ever had before and wanted to die. I remember during one of the visits to the hospital Mark asked me what he could do to help and all I could answer was "kill me... please" He of course wouldn't so he just sat next to me as I suffered. Finally on my last visit while waiting for the doctor to come see me I started throwing up blood from being in so much pain. The doctor gave  me Norco (stronger then Vicodin) and sent me home. That finally helped my body as I finished up going through my withdraw. Now I'm on preventative medication that I take 3 times a day and other medications to help when I get headaches and migraines. Currently my pain isn't as bad but after that Easter weekend I think my pain tolerance for headaches has changed. I still get a lot of headaches and celebrate when I go 3-4 days headache free. Eventually I'll get to a week without a headache and we'll all have to party! It's been awhile since I've gone 10+ straight with a headache so that is a plus. There have been times when I had a headache for 19 days straight.... and people wonder why I'm cranky and crazy at times... "They said 'you'll feel better in the morning, take some of these.' And now I can't feel a thing. I dreamt I was an addict, and I woke up in a panic. Dying to get back to sleep." 

       Shortly after my migraine weekend that almost killed me my Dad was diagnose with Cancer. Then 5 months later he passed. This changed everything! My views on life and my own life changed. I spent as much time with my Dad as I could. It just wasn't enough... it's never enough... I miss him and this Christmas is going to suck. I feel awful for my Mom... I want to take her pain away and dry all of her tears but I know I can't and that hurts. She has great people in her life who are looking out for her and I could not be more thankful for them! My Brother and I are getting by and I'm so glad he is in my life and for all of his friends who have let me into their hearts as well. I miss you Dad... I love you... I wish you were still here healthy and as goofy as ever! I am very thankful that my Dad never felt pain. He was uncomfortable due to the medication but he didn't suffer and I thank God everyday for that. He had 5 tumors in his head.. FIVE! and never got any headaches... I always joked that all my headaches were for him so he wouldn't have to feel them. 

           To everyone who has held my hand and hugged me this year I can't thank you more for your support! You've let me cry and you've help distract me and made sure I was still eating and breathing. I do not wish this kind of pain and sadness upon anyone, yet I know everyone at some point will feel it. When that awful time comes I want you all to know that I will go to the ends of the Earth for you. 

            To you... the one person who has turned their back on me. I know there is a very small chance you'll read this but I don't care I have to say this.It has been over a year and a half since we have spoken and I just never thought things would get this bad between us. I think you are a coward and a fool. But not as much of a fool as I am, because if you started speaking to me today I would thank God and still try to salvage our friendship. I think your selfish and are letting your pride get in your way. I didn't lie to you and for a period of time you were probably the only person I was 100% honest to. I know you think I'm an awful human and that our whole past was just a waste but it wasn't! If it's easier for you to think that then please go right on ahead and throw it all away. I'm ready to move on and direct my energy elsewhere. I will not close the door on you like you have done to me. So if ever you move past this please know I'm still here for you and like a fool I'll always care and think of you and send positive wishes your way. Even though I will still talk to you, if you ever come around, I want you to know that I am also very very very hurt that you didn't go see my Dad. You know he specifically asked to see you and you never went to see him. Anything that I did or didn't do does not compare to this. He thought of you as another son and wanted to see your smiling face. My Mom tells me to let it go because you are the one who has to live with that not me... And one day I will let it go but right now I'm hurt and mad but mostly sad that you couldn't take time out to see him even for 30 minutes. My Dad loved you and thought you were a great guy and he was sad that you didn't come see him. 

        This year wasn't a total disaster... a few things kept this year moving and I will carry those memories with me into 2012 in hopes of more positive adventures. My Grandpa had his 80th birthday this year. He is such a spunky guy who is very kind and generous. We threw him a huge party for his 80th where all his friends and family came. He had a blast having everyone in one room for him. We had family come in from other state and it was great to see them. It was also great for them to get to hang out with my Dad. Also this year I started rock climbing, I joined the gym and even bought shoes for the adventure. It's really challenging and helps push me forward. The wonderful people I go with are so positive and energetic and inspirational. Also this Summer for Sydney's birthday she took me with her to Chicago and while we were there we saw Paul McCartney!!!!!! We had a blast and Paul played for 3 hours straight it was the best! I can not thank Sydney and her Parents enough! Their act of kindness letting me go on this adventure with Sydney will forever be in my heart and helped me keep on moving through this year. When I get sad or overwhelmed I think back to Chicago and all the fun we had and it helps ease my pain. Also this year I got a not so small temp promotion that has helped a lot with bills and my savings account. The promotion was only suppose to be for a little while but they have kept extending it which has been amazing. Hopefully in the new year I will get to interview for this position and actually get it. This year I have also done some theatre and am very pleased to say that I already have shows lined up 2012! I am the production manager, stage manager, and assistant director for the next show at The Redlands Footlighters!  

       In 2012 I am looking forward to losing weight, rocking like a mad-woman, doing more theatre and working towards going to Grad School. Also I am going to continue working on being more positive and enjoying life. I now appreciate all I have in life and everyone who is in my life. I love my family and my friends and I'm going to keep moving forward and learning how to be the best person, director, friend, daughter, and sister that I can be.

Merry Christmas to everyone and I hope pray and beg that 2012 will be way better then 2011!!!!

          

         

    

And the days went by like paper in the wind. Everything changed, then changed again.

It's really hard to say these words out loud so I figured I'd try writing them and see if it would come out easier. 

It started Friday May 6th . I got a call at work telling me my Dad was in the hospital that he had gotten sick at work. No one knew what had happened and through out the day I got different stories on what it could have been. The final conclusion people were telling me was he may have had a heart attack. I was extremely worried and after work I picked my Brother up from my parent's house. He had been with my Mom all day at the hospital with my Dad, and we headed back out to the hospital. I of course, like always, was hungry so we stopped to get food and my Brother said we'd get a hamburger for Dad. I told him "No way am I getting Dad a burger when he just had a heart attack! You have got to be out of your mind!" My Brother calmly told me it was okay and this was my first clue that there was a deeper problem but he wouldn't tell me anything else. We arrived at the hospital and both my parent's looked tired and extremely sad and worried. The lights were off and the window in his hospital room was providing enough light in the room I could see and feel the tension. They wasted no time and filled me in on the situation. I was sitting on the bed next to my Dad holding his hand as he told me he had Cancer. Tears filled our eyes as they told me had 3 tumors in his head, 1 in his lung and 1 right above his kidney. He had, had a seizure at work and that was the first serious sign his body gave him that he was sick. By the end of the weekend they had found 2 more tumors in his head for a grand total of 5. That's when the shock set in... The numbness... The tight feeling in my chest that hasn't left since.

We had no idea how sick he was..Before the seizure he had a cough that had started a few months before and just hadn't gone away. He also was having a hard time hearing out of one ear but none of that prepared us for the news of the tumors. We later learned that it was lung Cancer that had spread to his brain.

It really sunk in when I took him to one of his radiation treatments. Sitting there waiting and being around all those sick people broke my heart and it burned knowing my Dad was one of them. I have never seen him walk so fast as he did when his treatment was done. He could NOT get out of that hospital faster.

One day when we went to lunch after we ate we drive around and went to a couple stores. While driving we turned the radio up LOUD and listened and sang along to the cd I had made him for his Birthday in February. It was a great afternoon and I wish it had lasted forever. I wanted to drive around all day and just listen to music with him.

Since my Dad was no longer able to work and drive due to the seizure he took up painting and going on walks and finally after all these years bought a drum set. As a kid and young adult he was a drummer. Even as an adult he would drum on his steering wheel while driving. I caught him once driving with his knees and drumming on his steering wheel with two sticks he kept in his truck. I told him he was the coolest Cancer patient because he would spend two hours in the garage just drumming away in the middle of Summer.  It made him happy and it made me happy AND the neighbors seemed to enjoy it too!

The doctors were really surprised that he had no headaches due to all the tumors. In fact he never felt pain at all. Which was a blessing and a curse. It was hard for him to rationalize how sick he really was when he didn't feel sick. The medication he was on would make him tired and cause moodiness and other side effects but never did he really feel any pain. I told him not to worry about it and feel blessed that he didnt have any pain because that must explain all of my headaches. Those of you who know me know I suffer from chronic migraines. I get about 5-6 headaches a week if not more. I told him I would have headaches and the pain for him so he wouldn't have to. I took on his physical pain and when he died a part of me did too.

In September my Mom, Dad, his Brother and his Wife (my aunt and uncle) planned a trip to Chicago. My Dad's doctor saw him and said he seemed to be doing fine and so they cleared him to take the trip. On the day they were suppose to leave (labor day) as they got on the plane, before it took off, my Dad got really sick and started throwing up. They immediately took him off the plane and rushed him to the hospital. The doctors gave him fluids and potassium and later that afternoon sent him home. He was embarrassed and felt bad for having to cancel the trip. The next day he felt fine again and they made plans to just spend a few days at the beach with my Aunt and Uncle instead. They said they had a great time! Had some drinks played in the water and had a blast. Little did we all know that less then two weeks from then he would be gone from us forever. 

The last few days before he went into the hospital for the last time he was having a hard time breathing and it was slowly getting worse. On Thursday My Mom finally took him into the hospital and they had to put him on a breathing mask. He was uncomfortable but still not in pain. The doctor told us it could be pneumonia which his body would fight and hopefully win or it could be the end. It was hard news... We weren't ready for the end (not that most are in these kinds of situations).

Come Sunday he seemed in slightly better spirits. They gave him a different breathing mask that wasn't as uncomfortable. He actually had eaten more then the previous days. He was talking to us and napping through out the day. After my Aunt and Uncle left he said he was cold so My Mom, Brother and I all together put a blanket on him. He then kept saying he was having a hard time breathing and then he was gone. I screamed and pounded on the wall. The nurses just moved slowly as if they were in cement and weren't able to go any faster. They tried to calm me down by telling me he didn't want any help if it came to this point and they tried to hug me. I didn't want their words or their hugs. I didn't want them to touch me so I screamed in their faces. I couldn't stop yelling so my Brother took me out of room where I ran to throw up. They eventually tried to get me to go back in the room to say goodbye. I couldn't go back in that room... He was no longer there I had no interest in seeing his lifeless body. Everyone tells me it was good all three of us were there. I get it logically but emotionally I'll never be same. Watching my Dad die knowing there wasn't a damn thing I could do. Watching his soul leave his body will probably forever haunt me. At the funeral I still didn't want to see his body in his coffin. I saw my friend Megan in her's and I still regret that. 

As the days lead up to the funeral some of our friends took amazing care of us. They fed us, cleaned the house and were there. That's really what we needed just to have people around. I am eternally thankful to them and all the kindness they showed us. 

Now when people ask me how I am all I can really say is "I'm okay" I'm not okay but I'm not not okay (if that makes any sense). Some days I just go through the motions (fake it till ya make it) and other days I can find some peace in the great Memories I have. All in all I love my Dad and I know he's still here with me. I feel bad for my Mom. I want to take her pain and sorrow away. I pray that God will make time go bay fast so she can get to the point where she feels comfort in the great memories the majority of the time. Now that the holidays approch us I feel a tightness in my chest and wish I could just go to sleep and wake up on January 1st.

 I miss my Dad... I love him and I miss him and a lot of things that remind me of him. Since we found out about the Cancer and even more so since his passing I feel different. Things that bothered me about the past no longer seem important. I now know what really is important and how everyday really is a new day and sometimes the best we can do is take it one day at time. 

"You belong among the wildflowers

You belong somewhere close to me
Far away from your trouble and worry
You belong somewhere you feel free" - Tom Petty