A fragile world with numbered days

Dear 2011,

         You have been by far the worst year. And I feel comfortable saying that I am not the only one who believes this. It seems this year a lot of people have had to deal with loss and sadness. Although not everything in 2011 has been awful... There have been some great things that have helped me get through this tortuous year. 

        First off this year started off with the tragic loss of my cat and friend Spooky. Those of you who knew him knew he was a great cat who was more like a tank at times. I'll forever remember him destroying my bedroom door to come and steal some of my body heat and share my blanket. I miss him. I miss meowing at him and him tearing off the wall paper with his teeth. I miss him knowing when I was sad and comforting me and climbing on Dad like he was child who wanted to be held like a baby. 

         This year has also been a struggle with my migraines. My doctor sent me to a special headache class to learn more about headaches and migraines and after the class to a headache specialist. Seeing how I have been dealing with headaches and migraines my whole life I didn't think I would learn anything new. To my surprise I learned just how bad rebound headaches are. Rebound headaches are usually when your body is addicted to an over the counter pain medication (Advil, Excedrin migraine, etc) so your body makes you have a headache so you take more medication to get rid of the headache and you end up in a sick sick nasty cycle. Eventually all the over the counter medication screws up your insides pretty bad and after a certain point one more pill will can can make you very sick and could possibly kill you. After learning how awful rebound headaches are I realized that I may have that problem. I told my doctor how often I was taking over the counter medication which was about 5-7 times a week and that I was going to stop cold turkey. I should have taken it as a sign when the doctor looked at and said "Oh, wow, you are very brave". That weekend (Easter weekend) I cut myself off and boy was that the WORST pain I have ever felt. I went in and out Urgent Care and the Emergency Room 4-5 times. They would give me a shot of strong pain reliever and send me home. I'd fall asleep for a few hours then wake up in just as much if not worse pain and go right back to the hospital. One evening I woke up screaming I was in so much pain, I was yelling at my parents to call 911! I was cursing and swearing more then I ever had before and wanted to die. I remember during one of the visits to the hospital Mark asked me what he could do to help and all I could answer was "kill me... please" He of course wouldn't so he just sat next to me as I suffered. Finally on my last visit while waiting for the doctor to come see me I started throwing up blood from being in so much pain. The doctor gave  me Norco (stronger then Vicodin) and sent me home. That finally helped my body as I finished up going through my withdraw. Now I'm on preventative medication that I take 3 times a day and other medications to help when I get headaches and migraines. Currently my pain isn't as bad but after that Easter weekend I think my pain tolerance for headaches has changed. I still get a lot of headaches and celebrate when I go 3-4 days headache free. Eventually I'll get to a week without a headache and we'll all have to party! It's been awhile since I've gone 10+ straight with a headache so that is a plus. There have been times when I had a headache for 19 days straight.... and people wonder why I'm cranky and crazy at times... "They said 'you'll feel better in the morning, take some of these.' And now I can't feel a thing. I dreamt I was an addict, and I woke up in a panic. Dying to get back to sleep." 

       Shortly after my migraine weekend that almost killed me my Dad was diagnose with Cancer. Then 5 months later he passed. This changed everything! My views on life and my own life changed. I spent as much time with my Dad as I could. It just wasn't enough... it's never enough... I miss him and this Christmas is going to suck. I feel awful for my Mom... I want to take her pain away and dry all of her tears but I know I can't and that hurts. She has great people in her life who are looking out for her and I could not be more thankful for them! My Brother and I are getting by and I'm so glad he is in my life and for all of his friends who have let me into their hearts as well. I miss you Dad... I love you... I wish you were still here healthy and as goofy as ever! I am very thankful that my Dad never felt pain. He was uncomfortable due to the medication but he didn't suffer and I thank God everyday for that. He had 5 tumors in his head.. FIVE! and never got any headaches... I always joked that all my headaches were for him so he wouldn't have to feel them. 

           To everyone who has held my hand and hugged me this year I can't thank you more for your support! You've let me cry and you've help distract me and made sure I was still eating and breathing. I do not wish this kind of pain and sadness upon anyone, yet I know everyone at some point will feel it. When that awful time comes I want you all to know that I will go to the ends of the Earth for you. 

            To you... the one person who has turned their back on me. I know there is a very small chance you'll read this but I don't care I have to say this.It has been over a year and a half since we have spoken and I just never thought things would get this bad between us. I think you are a coward and a fool. But not as much of a fool as I am, because if you started speaking to me today I would thank God and still try to salvage our friendship. I think your selfish and are letting your pride get in your way. I didn't lie to you and for a period of time you were probably the only person I was 100% honest to. I know you think I'm an awful human and that our whole past was just a waste but it wasn't! If it's easier for you to think that then please go right on ahead and throw it all away. I'm ready to move on and direct my energy elsewhere. I will not close the door on you like you have done to me. So if ever you move past this please know I'm still here for you and like a fool I'll always care and think of you and send positive wishes your way. Even though I will still talk to you, if you ever come around, I want you to know that I am also very very very hurt that you didn't go see my Dad. You know he specifically asked to see you and you never went to see him. Anything that I did or didn't do does not compare to this. He thought of you as another son and wanted to see your smiling face. My Mom tells me to let it go because you are the one who has to live with that not me... And one day I will let it go but right now I'm hurt and mad but mostly sad that you couldn't take time out to see him even for 30 minutes. My Dad loved you and thought you were a great guy and he was sad that you didn't come see him. 

        This year wasn't a total disaster... a few things kept this year moving and I will carry those memories with me into 2012 in hopes of more positive adventures. My Grandpa had his 80th birthday this year. He is such a spunky guy who is very kind and generous. We threw him a huge party for his 80th where all his friends and family came. He had a blast having everyone in one room for him. We had family come in from other state and it was great to see them. It was also great for them to get to hang out with my Dad. Also this year I started rock climbing, I joined the gym and even bought shoes for the adventure. It's really challenging and helps push me forward. The wonderful people I go with are so positive and energetic and inspirational. Also this Summer for Sydney's birthday she took me with her to Chicago and while we were there we saw Paul McCartney!!!!!! We had a blast and Paul played for 3 hours straight it was the best! I can not thank Sydney and her Parents enough! Their act of kindness letting me go on this adventure with Sydney will forever be in my heart and helped me keep on moving through this year. When I get sad or overwhelmed I think back to Chicago and all the fun we had and it helps ease my pain. Also this year I got a not so small temp promotion that has helped a lot with bills and my savings account. The promotion was only suppose to be for a little while but they have kept extending it which has been amazing. Hopefully in the new year I will get to interview for this position and actually get it. This year I have also done some theatre and am very pleased to say that I already have shows lined up 2012! I am the production manager, stage manager, and assistant director for the next show at The Redlands Footlighters!  

       In 2012 I am looking forward to losing weight, rocking like a mad-woman, doing more theatre and working towards going to Grad School. Also I am going to continue working on being more positive and enjoying life. I now appreciate all I have in life and everyone who is in my life. I love my family and my friends and I'm going to keep moving forward and learning how to be the best person, director, friend, daughter, and sister that I can be.

Merry Christmas to everyone and I hope pray and beg that 2012 will be way better then 2011!!!!

          

         

    

And the days went by like paper in the wind. Everything changed, then changed again.

It's really hard to say these words out loud so I figured I'd try writing them and see if it would come out easier. 

It started Friday May 6th . I got a call at work telling me my Dad was in the hospital that he had gotten sick at work. No one knew what had happened and through out the day I got different stories on what it could have been. The final conclusion people were telling me was he may have had a heart attack. I was extremely worried and after work I picked my Brother up from my parent's house. He had been with my Mom all day at the hospital with my Dad, and we headed back out to the hospital. I of course, like always, was hungry so we stopped to get food and my Brother said we'd get a hamburger for Dad. I told him "No way am I getting Dad a burger when he just had a heart attack! You have got to be out of your mind!" My Brother calmly told me it was okay and this was my first clue that there was a deeper problem but he wouldn't tell me anything else. We arrived at the hospital and both my parent's looked tired and extremely sad and worried. The lights were off and the window in his hospital room was providing enough light in the room I could see and feel the tension. They wasted no time and filled me in on the situation. I was sitting on the bed next to my Dad holding his hand as he told me he had Cancer. Tears filled our eyes as they told me had 3 tumors in his head, 1 in his lung and 1 right above his kidney. He had, had a seizure at work and that was the first serious sign his body gave him that he was sick. By the end of the weekend they had found 2 more tumors in his head for a grand total of 5. That's when the shock set in... The numbness... The tight feeling in my chest that hasn't left since.

We had no idea how sick he was..Before the seizure he had a cough that had started a few months before and just hadn't gone away. He also was having a hard time hearing out of one ear but none of that prepared us for the news of the tumors. We later learned that it was lung Cancer that had spread to his brain.

It really sunk in when I took him to one of his radiation treatments. Sitting there waiting and being around all those sick people broke my heart and it burned knowing my Dad was one of them. I have never seen him walk so fast as he did when his treatment was done. He could NOT get out of that hospital faster.

One day when we went to lunch after we ate we drive around and went to a couple stores. While driving we turned the radio up LOUD and listened and sang along to the cd I had made him for his Birthday in February. It was a great afternoon and I wish it had lasted forever. I wanted to drive around all day and just listen to music with him.

Since my Dad was no longer able to work and drive due to the seizure he took up painting and going on walks and finally after all these years bought a drum set. As a kid and young adult he was a drummer. Even as an adult he would drum on his steering wheel while driving. I caught him once driving with his knees and drumming on his steering wheel with two sticks he kept in his truck. I told him he was the coolest Cancer patient because he would spend two hours in the garage just drumming away in the middle of Summer.  It made him happy and it made me happy AND the neighbors seemed to enjoy it too!

The doctors were really surprised that he had no headaches due to all the tumors. In fact he never felt pain at all. Which was a blessing and a curse. It was hard for him to rationalize how sick he really was when he didn't feel sick. The medication he was on would make him tired and cause moodiness and other side effects but never did he really feel any pain. I told him not to worry about it and feel blessed that he didnt have any pain because that must explain all of my headaches. Those of you who know me know I suffer from chronic migraines. I get about 5-6 headaches a week if not more. I told him I would have headaches and the pain for him so he wouldn't have to. I took on his physical pain and when he died a part of me did too.

In September my Mom, Dad, his Brother and his Wife (my aunt and uncle) planned a trip to Chicago. My Dad's doctor saw him and said he seemed to be doing fine and so they cleared him to take the trip. On the day they were suppose to leave (labor day) as they got on the plane, before it took off, my Dad got really sick and started throwing up. They immediately took him off the plane and rushed him to the hospital. The doctors gave him fluids and potassium and later that afternoon sent him home. He was embarrassed and felt bad for having to cancel the trip. The next day he felt fine again and they made plans to just spend a few days at the beach with my Aunt and Uncle instead. They said they had a great time! Had some drinks played in the water and had a blast. Little did we all know that less then two weeks from then he would be gone from us forever. 

The last few days before he went into the hospital for the last time he was having a hard time breathing and it was slowly getting worse. On Thursday My Mom finally took him into the hospital and they had to put him on a breathing mask. He was uncomfortable but still not in pain. The doctor told us it could be pneumonia which his body would fight and hopefully win or it could be the end. It was hard news... We weren't ready for the end (not that most are in these kinds of situations).

Come Sunday he seemed in slightly better spirits. They gave him a different breathing mask that wasn't as uncomfortable. He actually had eaten more then the previous days. He was talking to us and napping through out the day. After my Aunt and Uncle left he said he was cold so My Mom, Brother and I all together put a blanket on him. He then kept saying he was having a hard time breathing and then he was gone. I screamed and pounded on the wall. The nurses just moved slowly as if they were in cement and weren't able to go any faster. They tried to calm me down by telling me he didn't want any help if it came to this point and they tried to hug me. I didn't want their words or their hugs. I didn't want them to touch me so I screamed in their faces. I couldn't stop yelling so my Brother took me out of room where I ran to throw up. They eventually tried to get me to go back in the room to say goodbye. I couldn't go back in that room... He was no longer there I had no interest in seeing his lifeless body. Everyone tells me it was good all three of us were there. I get it logically but emotionally I'll never be same. Watching my Dad die knowing there wasn't a damn thing I could do. Watching his soul leave his body will probably forever haunt me. At the funeral I still didn't want to see his body in his coffin. I saw my friend Megan in her's and I still regret that. 

As the days lead up to the funeral some of our friends took amazing care of us. They fed us, cleaned the house and were there. That's really what we needed just to have people around. I am eternally thankful to them and all the kindness they showed us. 

Now when people ask me how I am all I can really say is "I'm okay" I'm not okay but I'm not not okay (if that makes any sense). Some days I just go through the motions (fake it till ya make it) and other days I can find some peace in the great Memories I have. All in all I love my Dad and I know he's still here with me. I feel bad for my Mom. I want to take her pain and sorrow away. I pray that God will make time go bay fast so she can get to the point where she feels comfort in the great memories the majority of the time. Now that the holidays approch us I feel a tightness in my chest and wish I could just go to sleep and wake up on January 1st.

 I miss my Dad... I love him and I miss him and a lot of things that remind me of him. Since we found out about the Cancer and even more so since his passing I feel different. Things that bothered me about the past no longer seem important. I now know what really is important and how everyday really is a new day and sometimes the best we can do is take it one day at time. 

"You belong among the wildflowers

You belong somewhere close to me
Far away from your trouble and worry
You belong somewhere you feel free" - Tom Petty