And the days went by like paper in the wind. Everything changed, then changed again.

It's really hard to say these words out loud so I figured I'd try writing them and see if it would come out easier. 

It started Friday May 6th . I got a call at work telling me my Dad was in the hospital that he had gotten sick at work. No one knew what had happened and through out the day I got different stories on what it could have been. The final conclusion people were telling me was he may have had a heart attack. I was extremely worried and after work I picked my Brother up from my parent's house. He had been with my Mom all day at the hospital with my Dad, and we headed back out to the hospital. I of course, like always, was hungry so we stopped to get food and my Brother said we'd get a hamburger for Dad. I told him "No way am I getting Dad a burger when he just had a heart attack! You have got to be out of your mind!" My Brother calmly told me it was okay and this was my first clue that there was a deeper problem but he wouldn't tell me anything else. We arrived at the hospital and both my parent's looked tired and extremely sad and worried. The lights were off and the window in his hospital room was providing enough light in the room I could see and feel the tension. They wasted no time and filled me in on the situation. I was sitting on the bed next to my Dad holding his hand as he told me he had Cancer. Tears filled our eyes as they told me had 3 tumors in his head, 1 in his lung and 1 right above his kidney. He had, had a seizure at work and that was the first serious sign his body gave him that he was sick. By the end of the weekend they had found 2 more tumors in his head for a grand total of 5. That's when the shock set in... The numbness... The tight feeling in my chest that hasn't left since.

We had no idea how sick he was..Before the seizure he had a cough that had started a few months before and just hadn't gone away. He also was having a hard time hearing out of one ear but none of that prepared us for the news of the tumors. We later learned that it was lung Cancer that had spread to his brain.

It really sunk in when I took him to one of his radiation treatments. Sitting there waiting and being around all those sick people broke my heart and it burned knowing my Dad was one of them. I have never seen him walk so fast as he did when his treatment was done. He could NOT get out of that hospital faster.

One day when we went to lunch after we ate we drive around and went to a couple stores. While driving we turned the radio up LOUD and listened and sang along to the cd I had made him for his Birthday in February. It was a great afternoon and I wish it had lasted forever. I wanted to drive around all day and just listen to music with him.

Since my Dad was no longer able to work and drive due to the seizure he took up painting and going on walks and finally after all these years bought a drum set. As a kid and young adult he was a drummer. Even as an adult he would drum on his steering wheel while driving. I caught him once driving with his knees and drumming on his steering wheel with two sticks he kept in his truck. I told him he was the coolest Cancer patient because he would spend two hours in the garage just drumming away in the middle of Summer.  It made him happy and it made me happy AND the neighbors seemed to enjoy it too!

The doctors were really surprised that he had no headaches due to all the tumors. In fact he never felt pain at all. Which was a blessing and a curse. It was hard for him to rationalize how sick he really was when he didn't feel sick. The medication he was on would make him tired and cause moodiness and other side effects but never did he really feel any pain. I told him not to worry about it and feel blessed that he didnt have any pain because that must explain all of my headaches. Those of you who know me know I suffer from chronic migraines. I get about 5-6 headaches a week if not more. I told him I would have headaches and the pain for him so he wouldn't have to. I took on his physical pain and when he died a part of me did too.

In September my Mom, Dad, his Brother and his Wife (my aunt and uncle) planned a trip to Chicago. My Dad's doctor saw him and said he seemed to be doing fine and so they cleared him to take the trip. On the day they were suppose to leave (labor day) as they got on the plane, before it took off, my Dad got really sick and started throwing up. They immediately took him off the plane and rushed him to the hospital. The doctors gave him fluids and potassium and later that afternoon sent him home. He was embarrassed and felt bad for having to cancel the trip. The next day he felt fine again and they made plans to just spend a few days at the beach with my Aunt and Uncle instead. They said they had a great time! Had some drinks played in the water and had a blast. Little did we all know that less then two weeks from then he would be gone from us forever. 

The last few days before he went into the hospital for the last time he was having a hard time breathing and it was slowly getting worse. On Thursday My Mom finally took him into the hospital and they had to put him on a breathing mask. He was uncomfortable but still not in pain. The doctor told us it could be pneumonia which his body would fight and hopefully win or it could be the end. It was hard news... We weren't ready for the end (not that most are in these kinds of situations).

Come Sunday he seemed in slightly better spirits. They gave him a different breathing mask that wasn't as uncomfortable. He actually had eaten more then the previous days. He was talking to us and napping through out the day. After my Aunt and Uncle left he said he was cold so My Mom, Brother and I all together put a blanket on him. He then kept saying he was having a hard time breathing and then he was gone. I screamed and pounded on the wall. The nurses just moved slowly as if they were in cement and weren't able to go any faster. They tried to calm me down by telling me he didn't want any help if it came to this point and they tried to hug me. I didn't want their words or their hugs. I didn't want them to touch me so I screamed in their faces. I couldn't stop yelling so my Brother took me out of room where I ran to throw up. They eventually tried to get me to go back in the room to say goodbye. I couldn't go back in that room... He was no longer there I had no interest in seeing his lifeless body. Everyone tells me it was good all three of us were there. I get it logically but emotionally I'll never be same. Watching my Dad die knowing there wasn't a damn thing I could do. Watching his soul leave his body will probably forever haunt me. At the funeral I still didn't want to see his body in his coffin. I saw my friend Megan in her's and I still regret that. 

As the days lead up to the funeral some of our friends took amazing care of us. They fed us, cleaned the house and were there. That's really what we needed just to have people around. I am eternally thankful to them and all the kindness they showed us. 

Now when people ask me how I am all I can really say is "I'm okay" I'm not okay but I'm not not okay (if that makes any sense). Some days I just go through the motions (fake it till ya make it) and other days I can find some peace in the great Memories I have. All in all I love my Dad and I know he's still here with me. I feel bad for my Mom. I want to take her pain and sorrow away. I pray that God will make time go bay fast so she can get to the point where she feels comfort in the great memories the majority of the time. Now that the holidays approch us I feel a tightness in my chest and wish I could just go to sleep and wake up on January 1st.

 I miss my Dad... I love him and I miss him and a lot of things that remind me of him. Since we found out about the Cancer and even more so since his passing I feel different. Things that bothered me about the past no longer seem important. I now know what really is important and how everyday really is a new day and sometimes the best we can do is take it one day at time. 

"You belong among the wildflowers

You belong somewhere close to me
Far away from your trouble and worry
You belong somewhere you feel free" - Tom Petty